I wanted to share a chapter from my book "A Shelter From the Storm." A part of my life where the trials seemed one after the other. While I went through this heartache I have learned to rely on my Savior, Jesus Christ...who was really the one who helped me through those storms and sent others to me to tell me it was okay to get help.
I also want to share so that you know you are not going through this alone. Others have experienced things similar and that I am always here if you ever need a friend or someone to talk to. I believe sharing experiences help us to help others so they too can receive a shelter from their own storms in life....
Chapter 3
A Deep Depression
The next few months would be trial after trial for me as I navigated being by myself with my children and newborn. My husband graduated Basic Training and was now in Tech. School. The upside is I was able to talk to him everyday now. Which brought me comfort and joy.
A few weeks
after my Mom left after delivering my postpartum depression got worse. I got it
while I was pregnant but didn’t realize it until later because I thought I was
just sad that my husband was gone. Now I was drowning in depression, anxiety,
and numbness all at once. I’ve had it
before and thought I could pull myself out of it, but at this point I didn’t
even want to be here anymore. I wanted to run away. I prayed for strength like
I never had before. I was hoping it would get better and go away but it seemed
to linger like a heavy dark fog.
I knew I had
a problem that needed to be solved when Conference (For the Church of Jesus
Christ of Latter-Day Saints) came on that April (A few months after I gave
birth) and I hated it. I was crying on my couch in my bathrobe hating
conference. I didn’t want to listen. I didn’t even want to be here. I wanted to
run far away, dig a hole, sit there and rot. I was so confused. I have never
hated conference. I have always LOVED conference. What was wrong with me. Why
couldn’t I pull myself together.
But I was
there; listening, because that’s where I was supposed to be. I learned that
years ago when the previous BYUI Presidents wife: Sister Clark, who gave a talk
at devotional. She said “Be where
you are supposed be when you are supposed to be there… Be there for all of your ward’s meetings and
activities. When you’re supposed to be in class, be there. When you’re supposed
to be at family home evening, be there. Be there for your work and service
commitments. Be there for your roommates. Go through your day saying to
yourself, “Where am I supposed to be?” And then be there. Developing and
keeping that habit will bless your lives and help to keep you on the straight
and narrow path.” (Sue Clark, Be
Where You Are Supposed to Be, Brigham Young University–Idaho Devotional, August
30, 2005 https://www.byui.edu/devotionals/sister-sue-clark-fall-2005)
So, here I
was. While I didn’t know it at the time that habit of being where I was
supposed to be when I was supposed to be there did truly bless my life because
the spirit was able to nudge me to tell me I needed help and I needed to call
my sister right now. I called my older Sister (The one who was a Registered
Nurse) to tell her what was going on. She told me she was grateful I called and
that I needed to got to the doctor right away. That it was okay to get help.
That I wasn’t weak and I wasn’t broken. I just needed a little help and I was
going through something really hard.
Those words
really comforted me. I wasn’t broken, I just needed a little help. I knew the
spirit told her what to say.
I told her I went to a clinic and it wasn’t
opened until Monday. We prayed together that I would have the strength to make
it to Monday. I prayed and prayed so hard the next few days.
I also
started to search for songs that would help me on YouTube to feel the Saviors
love and get me through. I came upon one by Avril Lavigne, someone I wouldn’t
usually listen to for uplifting music but decided to listen to it. It was
perfect and that song literally saved my life. The lyrics resonated with my
soul;
“I've
gotta keep the calm before the storm
I don't want less, I don't want more
Must bar the windows and the doors
To keep me safe, to keep me warm
Yeah,
my life is what I'm fighting for
Can't part the sea, can't reach the shore
And my voice becomes the driving force
I won't let this pull me overboard
God,
keep my head above water
Don't let me drown, it gets harder
I'll meet you there at the altar
As I fall down to my knees
Don't let me drown, drown, drown
Don't let me, don't let me, don't let me drown
So
pull me up from down below
'Cause I'm underneath the undertow
Come dry me off and hold me close
I need you now, I need you most…
And
I can't see in the stormy weather
I can't seem to keep it all together
And I, I can't swim the ocean like this forever
And I can't breathe
God,
keep my head above water
I lose my breath at the bottom
Come rescue me, I'll be waiting
I'm too young to fall asleep
God,
keep my head above water
Don't let me drown, it gets harder
I'll meet you there at the altar
As I fall down to my knees…”
Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Avril
Ramona Lavigne / Stephan Moccio / Travis Clark
Head Above Water
lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group, BMG Rights Management
I was literally drowning
and reaching for my Savior. As I listened to that song, I could feel him
lifting me up out of my deep dark pit and holding me. He knew exactly what I
was going through. He felt it, he atoned for it, and he wasn’t going to let me
fail.
Monday came and I
received the help I needed. My Doctor was so compassionate and understanding. I
started to get better and soon felt like myself again.
As I look back on that experience, I
knew my Savior was there with me the whole time, even though I couldn’t feel
it. I also was grateful for good habits and a sanctuary I built in my home that
allowed the spirit to be there to help me get through that dark time in my
life. It helped me realize that you don’t prepare for the storm while it’s
happening. You prepare and then when the storm comes, no matter how hard or
dark it gets, you will be okay. Just like Moroni did with his people in The
Book of Mormon in Alma 48: 7-10
7 Now it came to pass that while Amalickiah had thus
been obtaining power by fraud and deceit, Moroni, on the other hand, had
been apreparing the
minds of the people to be faithful unto the Lord their God.
8 Yea, he had been strengthening the armies of the
Nephites, and erecting small aforts, or places of resort; throwing up banks of earth
round about to enclose his armies, and also building bwalls of stone to encircle them about, round about
their cities and the borders of their lands; yea, all round about the land.
9 And in their weakest fortifications he did place the
greater number of men; and thus he did fortify and strengthen the land which
was possessed by the Nephites.
10 And thus he was preparing to asupport their
liberty, their lands, their wives, and their children, and their peace, and
that they might live unto the Lord their God, and that they might maintain that
which was called by their enemies the cause of bChristians.
Moroni didn’t wait until the
Lamanites were at his door to finally decide he should maybe put a lock on it.
He was preparing his people both spiritually and physically for the war that
was coming to their doorstep and literally putting on the Armor
of God on them and when the Lamanites came they did not conquer.
Alma
49: 22-23
“22 Now
when they found that they could not obtain power over the Nephites by the pass,
they began to dig down their banks of earth that they might obtain a pass to
their armies, that they might have an equal chance to fight; but behold, in
these attempts they were swept off by the stones and arrows which were thrown
at them; and instead of filling up their ditches by pulling down the banks of
earth, they were filled up in a measure with their dead and wounded bodies.
23 Thus the Nephites had all power over their
enemies; and thus the Lamanites did attempt to destroy the Nephites until
their achief captains
were all slain; yea, and more than a thousand of the Lamanites were slain;
while, on the other hand, there was not a single soul of the Nephites which
was slain.”
Now we know that there was many more battles that
happened but this shows that when you strengthen your home, mind, and body
spiritually the Lord will protect you.
It also shows that the storms of
life do come. The righteous are not shielded from having a hard life just
because they are doing what is right. If that were so, our Savior Jesus Christ
would have had no trials. He suffered the greatest out of anyone who has walked
this earth. He felt everything that you went through, that you’re going through
and will go through. Not just you though; every. single. person. who has and
will live on this earth. What a better person to turn to when life gets rough.
Just make sure he’s there before the storm rages and when it hits and our faith
waivers, he will be right there to pull us up, just as he did Peter.
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